The Go Figure Diet

Here’s my diet plan…

(You won’t buy it.)

It will have a beautiful, visually appealing yet trendy cover and you will open it to crisp, clean pages of recycled paper…

Page 1:

You are gaining weight because your food intake to activity output ratio is out of whack.

You cannot eat for 3 hours per day and do little to no activity and think you are going to look like this chick:

Hell, I work out 6 days per week and I don’t look that chick.  She is a freak of nature.

That’s  the other thing, getting thin is a consequence of something else; making it your goal will stress you out and puts too much negative focus on yourself.

That would give most people the sads and you should be doing things that give you the not sads.

Making weight-loss a goal is stressful and stress just keeps fat where it is…so that just sort of sucks all around.

If you are an emotional eater like me, that right there could be the trifecta of bullshitzu.  Don’t do it!

Get healthy and the weight will come off…if that is your concern.

You can’t keep taking in and not putting out.  It all has to go somewhere and that place is likely your ass.

That’s where it is on me.

I laid off the working out and freaked out that I gained 5 pounds.

(Herrrrr Derrrrr!)

No shit!

I was oddly surprised that walking from my house to the garage and from the garage to my office building and back, plus 2 bathroom breaks per day, were not giving me 6-pack abs.

(WTF kind of shit is that?)

I did kick the scale to the curb (for the most part) and no longer weigh myself daily, but the toughest part about “dieting” seems to be the common sense part.

First, no dieting.  Diets are stupid.

Second, you have to DO something.  It is that way with life and your body and work and relationships, yada, yada, yada.

If you put nothing into nothing you get…

…6-pack abs!


You get jiggly hips and a larger ass.

Maybe you get some boobies if you are lucky.  (I am not.)

Frankly, you have to figure out if you want to be thinner or healthier and go from there.

If you simply want to be thinner, we are not on the same page but all I can say is…eat less (and better)/workout more.

(Don’t do some stupid shit like not eat or only eat packets of ketchup and a Tic-Tac and call it a “meal” because if you do, you need more than a diet plan; you need a doctor for your head.)

That is the end of the diet plan.

I was 187lbs in 1995 and went from a size 16 to a size 10 in less than 6 months.

I did not follow a diet plan.

I did the following:

  1. watched what I ate (meaning fat grams, not crazy shit like salads and rice patties. I did not exceed 10 grams of fat per day. Yes, it can be done without eating like a rabbit.);
  2. ate 5 meals a day (big meal was lunch and the rest were small);
  3. stopped eating fried food (I had an addiction to Buffalo wings with blue cheese. I still do but now use the sauce and grill shrimp and mushrooms instead and serve on spinach leaves. I also now loathe blue cheese.);
  4. stopped eating portions the size of my head (see photo below);
  5. walked around my parking lot at lunch (you use what you have.)

As many times as I have told the story, I have never had one person try to do it yet I still lot a lot of requests for “help” or “advice” or “tips”.

I assume this is because what I did is free, did not come in a cute and marketable package (other than ME!), and did not happen in 10-14 days.

Yes, sometimes common sense takes a little longer than that quick fix that cost you some money and still has you upset at your body.

Go figure.

The End.

*Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to dispense any medical or nutritional advice.  The views expressed are solely my opinion and based on my personal experience.  Nothing expressed contradicts what is generally accepted as common knowledge other than to those in a suspended state of denial.  That said, I rise to the challenge that should you attempt to follow my personal “diet” plan and get fatter, I will buy you whatever diet plan you choose so long as you provide accurate documentation that you indeed followed the plan and did not drink pitchers of beer and stuff Double Quarter-Pounders with Cheese into your face 5 times per day and called that “common sense” and watching what you ate because your eyes were open.  That said, I would welcome a photo of anyone eating one of those awful things with their eyes open because I do not believe a normal person can look at that shit and still eat it.  Scratch that.  I do not want to encourage any assclowns to take their lives into their hands just to send me a photo that will gross me right the hell out.

I still follow the plan stated above, but I now eat lettuce-free salads and also routinely workout because it keeps me sane, makes me feel good, and because I am socially awkward it provides  me an environment to do weird shit with other freaks.   I do not walk around my work parking lot because it is quite small; I do however regularly run around the athletic track a block away at an embarrassingly slow pace which has been trumped by my race-pace skipping badassness.

If you are short on workout time, I highly encourage skipping…

(Actual skipping, not the the “don’t workout” type of skipping.)

…I also highly encourage the wearing of protective head-gear while skipping if you are cursed with my grace and balance.

Everyone has their own thing, but what I have done for the past 17 years has given me a pretty decent “Go Figure”…and I can dig it.

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