Best Advice From Mom

I didn’t have a fantastic mom who baked cookies and supplied advice to my sister and I to assist us in our life journeys.

I had a mom who made chocolate penis lollipops and paved the way for my sister and I to put our respective therapists’ children through college.

Instead of reading romance novels, our mom created drama.

Instead of brushing/braiding our hair, she pulled out her own and made crazy eyes at us and made us wish we were invisible.

Some moms carve turkeys; our mom carved her wrists.

Our mom made beautiful decorations for the Christmas tree…and then hurled the entire tree, decorations and all, out the front door into the yard.

Santa was the neighbor guy who had 3 creepy sons and an alcoholic, chain-smoking wife with long nails and fucking ugly hair.

My chocolate Easter Bunny had a penis.

The best advice my mom ever gave me was to not be like her. Consider it done.

I am 20 years younger than she was at my age and 50 years wiser.

I have never used my illness as an excuse for shitty behavior.

When I’m an asshole, I have no reason other than that I am an asshole.

I have not let my perceived need of a man, his love, or his penis rule my life.

I can open jars, smoosh bugs, and change the thermostat on my car with a butter knife…and have.

I have never let my perceived need for a man come before my children.

My son is almost 19 and still talks to me about real things, and tells me loves me multiple times a day.

He gives me real hugs.

We always say our “good nights” and look each other in the eye.

My daughter lives without fear that she will awake to find her mom gone from her life to pursue something more rewarding than her children.

While I am not the perfect mom and have made numerous mistakes, I can say that I followed my mom’s advice…and I am not like her.

So if I had to pass along her wisdom, I would say:

(1) Do not make penis lollipops for your children.
(2) Do not slit your wrists.
(3) Do not forget that children are children, even when they are 38, and they need their mommas.

If you had a good mom, tell her you love her.

If you had an awful mom, tell her that you love her…often.

You may just get through to her. I did.

That is this mom’s advice.

Peace and Happy Mother’s Day to all the super rad moms out there.

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