OK…
This may shock you right off the edge of your chair, but I really don’t have many grievances this year.
I was actually looking more forward to the Feats of Strength (maybe just so I could wrestle a boy…) than any other Festivus practice.
(Of course when I allow my inner 14 yr old boy out, I have to type/snicker that the best part of Festivus…is the Pole.)
*snicker*
That said, in my traditional way, I will write a few grievances and there will be much drama (from some of you, not me) about whether said grievance is about you or not.
People, forget that it is me. No matter who you are (and this includes me), if someone calls out a behavior and you think it may resemble you, just work on it instead of stressing and creating additional drama. No matter who we are, if we resemble something less-than-flattering, we can always improve.
(Though I have serious doubts about 2 of the people because they are in a shocking and convenient state of denial and surrounded by a few enablers of the crazy.)
Also, telling me all the things that I am doesn’t make you less of a mess…and I know my messes and own them, so ask yourself when the last time you saw me freak out about something negative (but true) someone said about me.
(I make no claims that I will not and have not bitchslapped a few lie/rumor spreading assclowns, but I will likely do that forever.)
OK, that all said…here are my grievances:
Assclown #1: You are a mean, insecure, neurotic, mess of a person. You are mean to your husband and say horrible things to and about your children, and yet pretend to be the perfect wife/mom and all about “family” when surrounded by the women you hope will accept you. (Even though you will then talk behind every one of their backs to fit in with the next woman.) You will do anything to fit in, create drama, and have people like your self created/perceived “wounds”. You are socially dysfunctional and your mouth has gotten you into a mess of trouble, including unemployment…not that that would get you to shut your pie hole because you are an eternal victim. I do not believe in my entire life I have witnessed someone be so overwhelmed about mite-sized issues which would not be an issue to most people. You are one of the most selfish and needy people I have met in my entire life and while I do not wish bad karma on you, I certainly wish you would wake the f*ck up and see just how ugly you really are on the inside. It is truly shocking and sad. Also, your shriek of a voice makes my skin crawl. Try whispering.
Assclown #2: Wow! You created a real mess for a lot of people. Like #1, you are a needy, insecure mess of a person and completely unhealthy. You told so many of us really damaging information about people we cared about and dumped your obsessiveness (with a person in a relationship) and drama on all of us. Then…you crapped on some of us who were there for you when you had clearly lost your mind and cried all the time. COUNTLESS hours I spent listening to this nonsense and dysfunction. You are not brilliant or creative and are completely unorganized…which is likely why you suck at your job. You have no concept of morality or ethics and because you cry, there are those who want to help you…because you are so effing helpless. I call bullshitzu. You actively pursued someone who is in a long-term relationship and we all had to deal with it. THEN, you lied about any of us who told you to stop and that what you were doing was not right and not healthy. You acted like a friend to the one, while trying to steal their partner. I don’t care what kind of foul mouthed asshole I am, you are just wrong and anyone who trusts you is stupid. I have spoken to you about this many times before finally just eliminating you from my life. So now that quite some time has passed, I have to ask… How did that work out for you? Did you get what you wanted? (Don’t answer that. You didn’t.) Fail. Country songs and straight jackets were invented for people like you.
hmmmm…we seem to have a “Dramatically Crazy Liars” theme going on. Noiiiice.
Assclown #3: June 10, 2010. This was just plain stupid. I’m still dealing with this. Don’t let it happen again to anyone. Not cool. You’ve come a long way so I don’t truly have a grievance. I’m still just really freaked out. Love and best wishes to you, my friend.
Assclown #4 (aka “my surgeon”): Sonofabitch! The next time you cut my body in half, can you:
- take a look around in there and see if there are any other issues for which you may have to cut me back open in 3 months?!?! Jackass! How the F*CK did you miss a 9cm cyst that happened to be a tumor?!?!? Are you *bleeping* blind???
- NOT consult with Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Krueger, and Leatherface about the best and most creative ways to perform my surgery? Have you seen this shit? I look like I dated a bad magician! I know that I am approaching 40 and so you assumed my best years have passed (Prick!), but it would have been nice to date men with good vision. I can’t even stalk the National Federation of the Blind because the scars aren’t flat. WTF? Thanks, Assclown.
Assclown #5: Seriously? I just took you out!!! You HAD to come back in and do that on the floor?!?! Have you lost your mind or love of a warm home? Do NOT do that again! (But thank you for doing it on the hard wood and not the carpet!) Don’t think I won’t poo in your crate if you do that again on my floor…because I will. *shakes head*
*DISCLAIMER: NO, my dog will not be homeless if he poos on the floor again. Nor will I poo in his crate. He’s an effing poodle. How the hell would I fit in his crate? I am not actually mad at my dog and just wanted to end the list on a humorous note.
Right then. That about takes care of my list. Sorry if you didn’t make the cut. Some of you put in a pretty impressive effort to get on the list, but in the end, ehhhh…
Happy Festivus to all!
…Now…shall we move on to the Feats of Strength…?
Scars are hot, Assclown is nearly as cool a name as assmonkey (my fav), you are freaking funny . . . holy crap!! Feel good to get that off your chest?
hahaha The funny thing is that Festivus sort of snuck up on me this year and I have been living very differently for the past 6 months, so I didn’t have much to bitch about. I would feel better if # 1 and #2 became healthier people, but I am only likely to run into one of them in the future…but I promise not to actually run into her. I usually just raise my eyebrow at her and make my face blank.
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