Mud Junkie

Big discussions going on all over life, social media, and the nation as the Supreme Court arguments were heard regarding marriage equality.

(I thank my god that this is being argued there and not in the public polls because it became clear that many people don’t even know what the argument was about and think that it was about something else…Morals and religion.)

Weird. It wasn’t.

It was to argue against DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which contrary to popular misconception, is not a law that “has existed since the beginning of time”.

First, our country is only a couple hundred years old. Secondly, DOMA became a thing in 1996 during the Clinton Administration. Get your shit together before you argue stuff. It’s really annoying to the listener if you don’t.

Should religion dictate government?

Thomas Jefferson (a pretty smart dude and one who was sort of there at the “beginning” when all the shit went down) said:

“Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between Church and State.”

“MAKE NO LAW RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION.”

This is simple, people.

It’s in your Bible of choice? Great. Live it. Things get tricky when you want the government to make others follow your beliefs and values. It’s a slippery slope, so be careful for what you wish and consider some of the following biblical rules instead of being too upset that the Supreme Court did their job.

“Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.” – Leviticus 19:19

Talk about putting EVERYONE back in the closet!! Sheesh! Better get on that label inspecting and purge those super cute Spring dresses!

“Don’t cut your hair nor shave.” – Leviticus 19:27

No, it’s cool. No one is even going to notice that ginormous wookie bush and hairy pits peeking out from your swim suit because you aren’t supposed to expose your flesh anyway and you just tossed all those cute sundresses. Win-win. As an Italian girl, I assure you I will discuss this one and take my judgment from my maker when we meet because I know I will break this one until my dying day.

“Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place….” – Ephesians 5:4

This is tricky, because there is SOOOOO much foolish talk that is clearly out of place…like judging others before you get your own shit together…Just saying. Read you some Matthew 7:1-5 and we will discuss later, mmmmkay?

“If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die.” – Leviticus 20:10

Hey, if we are going to go by the Bible for governmental law, we must follow ALL the rules or none of the rules. No cherry picking. Death you say? Interesting. You will really dig that when you read the section on smartass kids.

“If a man has sex with a woman on her period, they are both to be “cut off from their people” – Leviticus 20:18

Doesn’t it totally suck when people are nosing around in what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom? PSHHHH! The nerve!

“You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the LORD.” – Leviticus 19:28

If you are not going to be wearing those super cute diamond stud earrings, can I have them? I am a sinner. I know. Que sera, sera.

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the LORD.” – Deuteronomy 23:1

Any man who has nailed the top tube of his MTB or played soccer/t-ball with his 5-year-old is screwed.

“If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.” – Deuteronomy 25:11-12

I sort of agree with this one. Who leads their husband away by their man-junk…in public? Awkwarrrrrrd.

People who have flat noses, or is blind or lame, cannot go to an altar of God.” – Leviticus 21:17-18

That’s just mean and it gives me the sads.

“If you find out a city worships a different god, destroy the city and kill all of it’s inhabitants…even the animals.” – Deuteronomy 13:12-15

That’s just mean too. Some religions are really peaceful and now you are going to kill their believers…AND their pets? Seems a little closed-minded to me…but rules are rules.

Also, that misuse of “it’s” is a direct copy/paste from the Bible and I believe their (See what I did there?) should be some punishable rule about poor grammar.

Can I get a HALLELUJAH?

“Kill anyone with a different religion.” – Deuteronomy 17:2-7

Just a dick move. Sorry. Peace and love, people. PEACE and LOVE. It’s simple. Try it.

“And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.” – Exodus 21:17

I told you that you were going to love this one! Smartass, bratty, back-talking kid? Kill him/her. Right now. IT’S THE RULES! By the way, stones seem to be the execution of choice in the Bible, so better get to diggin’ a hole in your yard so that you can nail that kiddo good. “Hey kids, wanna get stoned?” You are SO not the cool parent. GAME OVER!

“Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.” – Mark 10:11-12

Well I am just screwed on this one. So is anyone on their second or so marriage. Crapcakes.

“Ye shall keep the Sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the Sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.” – Exodus 31:14-15

Going into the office on a Sunday? Checking work emails on your smartphone? Golfing with business acquaintances? You must now die. And you thought your wife was a nag?

“But you must not eat the blood; pour it out on the ground like water.” – Deuteronomy 12:16

Goodbye red meat…and gravy.

“The pig is also unclean; although it has a divided hoof, it does not chew the cud. You are not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses.” – Deuteronomy 14:8

Yes, your bacon rights have been revoked! Fuck you. Want bacon? Let the gays marry each other. You love bacon? Gays love each other. We can make this deal happen quietly. Just walk away from the gays and you can have your bacon.

“And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.” – Leviticus 10-11

So weird because SOOOO many American Christians I know are going to eat fish tomorrow because…ummmm…well they were not cool with fasting or eating veggies and so this rule was tweaked for “convenience”. So much for sacrifice, ehh? Jesus died for you and you could not give up the formerly-breathing food four (4) times per year? Lame. The Jews can do this. I sure hope this isn’t a points thing or the American Christians are going to lose. Big time.

“Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor” – Exodus 20:16

No one tells white lies. Ever. Yes, you look fat in that dress. Yes, your man-junk is tiny…and crooked! No, I did not have any chocolate today. We lie to ourselves and others daily. This one is sort of a biggie, but let us ignore it and focus on those swishy fellows. Right?

“Do not go around as a gossiper among your people…” – Leviticus 19:16

First, every single politician is screwed on this one. As is every single Christian who discusses the sins of others. Oooops. My bad.

“They shall be stoned with stones; their blood shall be upon them.” – Leviticus 20:27

Crimes punishable by execution include: Homosexuality, adultery, astrology, being a disrespectful child, being a drunken son, blasphemy, breaking the Sabbath, perjury, incest, bestiality and witchcraft. I literally know someone in all but one category. They are my friends and I do not want to kill them. I will not allow you to kill them either…but the sheep-fuckers are getting the side-eye…for sure.

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” – 1 Corinthians 14:34-35

This gives me the sads as one of the most beautiful humans I know is a brilliant minister and has a vagina. I pray for her congregation if she cannot speak…but I bet she could come up with some pretty fantastic sign language for this one.

“But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.” – Deuteronomy 22:20-21

If you played “Just the Tip” before your big white dress party, you deserve to die with the gays since what you were doing and what they are doing is the same thing and comes with the exact same punishment. Hey, rules are rules. KARMA!

Damn, you guys! Those rules are scary!

Frankly, I believe that people should believe whatever they want and that if in their lives they chose to follow the above rules and not associate with those who do not, that’s cool. But, you may notice that the government prevents you from killing whomever you choose based on these biblical rules so why would it be any different regarding gays?

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.” -Jesus Christ (Matthew 7:1-5)

That means, get your shit together before you start looking at other people’s shit and calling it shit.

OK, I am going to skip on down the yellow brick road with my gays and celebrate some people in the SCOTUS having the smarts.

Remember, religion is about your personal relationship with God/Jesus/Allah/Buddha/George…etc. Everything you believe is fine, but so is everything everyone else believes.

Live and let live.

Be kind to yourself and others and it will all work out better than you think.